learning new things

Normal life pic #1.

Normal life pic #1.

My job since January 2017 is a Job Developer/Trainer for adults with intellectual disabilities. 

So often I feel like: "I don't know what I'm doing." 

It's really really easy to let that thought crystallize into a roadblock, and then to stop doing whatever I'm doing. So much of what I'm doing since I have started this job in January is new to me, and I often feel like I'm making it up as I go. 

Teach a course on pre-employment skills? Well, I have piles of binders and the directive to make a course out of it. But I've never done that before.

Go around to employers in our community and build relationships with them? Well, I have ideas and a decent ability to make conversation, as well as some experience working with people with disabilities to back me up. But again, I've never done that before.

Are these things I have enough to get started? My thought-turned-roadblock says NO. But the part of me that knows I gotta get shit done because this is my job now, says "Whether they are or they aren't, it doesn't matter. You gotta do it anyway." 

Then I procrastinate. 

Then I get panicky thinking of my deadline so I get my shit together. I tidy up my workspace and clear the clutter. I get down to work. 

Then I get interrupted. It's breaktime or it's lunchtime, or the phone rings, or a co-worker pops in my door. Or I get a text. Or ... whatever. Then the cycle repeats. 

I tend to think of myself as a confident person so it's always strange and disorienting to run into the no-confidence wall. Into the starting-again-at-a-new-thing wall. 

But such is life, isn't it? I forget that fact, constantly. But such is life.

So I shut my door at work. I say "fuck it" and I start. I type a tentative lesson plan. I teach the first class. I show up to the job where I'm coaching someone. I give it a shot. I give it a shot. 

 

Normal life pic #2.

Normal life pic #2.

In other news... life is good. I have realized I actually love my job. Even though it's new to me. Even though it's a turn off the path from what I was doing before. Even though it's not perfect and it's a little chaotic, and on some days, it's a lot draining. 

And Adam and I have decided to try for a little one! This is mainly private news, but I feel like sharing here because, well, it's my blog, my life. I'm excited about the idea that any month now I could see those two pink lines on the stick, then get to experience the growing of my belly, the stirring of life. 

My creative joys right now:

  • opera - I'm enjoying soprano Anna Netrebko's Instagram, too.
  • the idea of crocheting - I bought yarn and a crochet hook ... we'll see!
  • my 100 Day Project - colour palettes posted to my Instagram.
  • The Self Love Club - I'm strongly considering getting a tattoo like this one.
Self Love Club rules by Frances Cannon.

Self Love Club rules by Frances Cannon.

quiet morning #2

Yup, I let my cat sit on the table. 

There are worse things.

Why is the old, shitty grill pan on the table? Lord knows. I asked Adam. He wants to get rid of it. But likely it will sit on the table for ... a month? ... before we do anything with it. #life

The monthly exercise for April in the One Little Word course is to write "What does it mean to really [your word here]?" on Post-its and stick them up around your house, your car, your planner, wherever you're going to see them. 

And variations thereof: "What does it feel like to __________?" "What does it look like when I'm _________?" 

And I gotta say, it's neat. This one pictured above is on the window above the sink, a place where I am quite often, doing dishes. I like that it simply asks the question and lets my brain fill in the rest. I like that I can think about it while I do a mindless task and let my brain come up with little bits of ideas, that I then go write down. 

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The 100 Day Project starts tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but also excited. Will I stick with it? I keep wondering. Well, I mean, I don't know. I can't know. But I can give it a try. 

I'm doing 100 Colour Palettes. Here's what I've got so far. (It will give you an idea of the project.)

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I'm currently grooving to -- and loving -- this song and video:

I put it on and dance around my kitchen. Even though I don't wear a hijab, nor am I Muslim, I believe in the right to do so, to be so. And it's damn danceable. 

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It's April third and today I was out shovelling yet another 5 centimetres of snow that had formed in drifts across the driveway. It doesn't feel a whit like spring here at the moment. Snow is still a foot deep across the land, and the wind is cold and whips it all around in spirals and clouds. It's pretty, absolutely. Am I ready for it to be gone? 100 percent. I dream of baby daffodil nubs poking up out of the dirt. Of the warmth of the spring sun and the steady tap-tap-tap of melting snow and ice. 

Ahh well. It is what it is. 

Off to work with me. Happy Monday, friends.

love lives here

Adam is working today, and I'm home by myself. I've alternated between playing music loud, complete silence, talking to my Dad on the phone, and listening to a podcast. And now back to silence.

In another hour or so, my Mom is due to arrive. A few days ago she turned 60. Today we're celebrating by going out for dinner, and then to a movie. 

It seems so simple. Yet these are the memories we'll keep. When she's 70, or 80, we'll remember. We'll say, "Remember when we went to see Beauty and the Beast for your 60th?" 

"Yes, back before you guys had _________ [fill in the blank here for whatever we end up naming the baby that I'm not even pregnant with yet]."

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My friend Aleena is from Pakistan originally, and she has introduced me to the phrase "Inshallah."

"If God wills."

I asked her when someone was arriving on a plane recently and she texted back, "2:30. Inshallah." I think it's like "touch wood". "Hopefully. If all goes well. If nothing goes wrong."

We never know, what lies ahead. So we touch wood. So we say "Inshallah."

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It's the weekend. I'm working on an idea for something to do for #The100DayProject. It has to do with colour palettes and photos of everyday life. (If you're interested in #The100DayProject there is more info here: The100DayProject. And here is my idea.) I'm a little nervous (will I keep it up? will it still be interesting to me then?) but also excited (maybe I'll keep it up! maybe it will be incredibly interesting even at the end!). Maybe it will morph and change. Probably it will morph and change. Just like the other, bigger project I'm planning to embark on, that of trying for a baby.

Inshallah. 

Happy Saturday, friends.