At my mother's house. Cozy, nesting. Resting. A place to cocoon and protect and heal. This cat helps.
the truth of the matter is
- It's 1:11 am.
- I am not sleeping well this past week.
- I woke up hungry. Peanut butter and jelly on bread with a glass milk called me. And we're talking white-ass bread, fucking Kraft peanut butter, raspberry jelly. The suburban meal I didn't have growing up, that I'm living now.
- I got up. Made it. Ate it. Instagram-storied it. Made another. Ate that too. Fuck it.
- The truth of the matter is we're going through something. And it's not easy.
- The truth of the matter is also that I'm not ready to share. That there's more to it than meets the eye. That it's private. That it's delicate.
- Most importantly, that it's OK. It's OK now, and things will be OK, no matter how they turn out. I get that now.
- I leak tears from time to time. This is my body processing emotion. It's OK.
- The way he pats my belly, says hi to the kid. Even when things are hard, there is this.
- I miss writing, so much. I'm going to a local writers' group on November 8th. I'm making this happen. It's important to me.
- Bonus one: it's time to go back to bed now.
- Bonus two: but first, this post by Mara Glatzel from May 5. I don't know what exactly in her own life and relationship she was referring to but it is speaking to me like crazy right now.
This post format is 100% inspired by Alisha Sommer's beautiful posts.
Monday Monday
Trying out the Squarespace blog app... we’re traveling tomorrow to the US and I won’t be taking my computer with me, but I do want to keep up with blogging.
This was Mittens this morning. I took a photo of her so I can look at it when I miss her (yup, I know, I’m a sook) and it cracks me up because she’s looking at me like, “Come onnnnn, it’s only a week.” Whatever.
Dear Baby - Weeks 21/22/23
(Written last week:)
Dear Baby,
Today we had another ultrasound for you. Your grandma, Mary Jane, your Dad's mom, came with me. We went to the Northside General hospital and saw Julie the student and the other ultrasound tech whose name I forget, the ones who had done our ultrasound two weeks previous, at the Regional Hospital. They had me back in to take pictures of your heart, which right now looks like a flashing black spot on the screen (to me at least - I bet those ultrasound techs can see more than that). The last time we went for an ultrasound, two weeks ago, you were lying with your back to the ultrasound transducer and they couldn't get the pictures they wanted. So today I went back in. I drank 1L of water and lay on the bed with my belly exposed, covered in goopy gel, while the techs moved the transducer, slid and pressed it over my belly to try and see you. Your head was down by my pelvis and your legs were up over you, like up by my belly button.
Your grandma was very excited - this was her first time in the ultrasound room. She sat by my left side and peeked at the screen, sometimes leaning way over to see it. When I went to the bathroom to pee out some of the water (it's a lot of water to keep in at once!), I came back to hear her telling the techs that she is 72 and this baby has been a long time coming. They congratulated her. We are all very excited to meet you, dear baby.
It's crazy to me that you are right now inside of me, and that in four months or so you'll be out, in the outside world, a real live human, doing stuff. And that we'll get to meet you and name you, hold you and take care of you. It blows my mind every day.
(Written yesterday)
Dear Baby...
I was at work and sitting in Amanda's office at break time, like usual. I was patting my stomach. I'm either at 22 weeks or 23, depending on how you're growing and if you're growing too slowly or if I really am behind a week. I said, "I feel like I've hit a plateau and the baby isn't growing." Amanda said, "When you're at 35-40 weeks you'll be like, 'remember when I was complaining because my belly was small?'" and we both laughed.
I'm at work and I don't want to put in some reporting I have to do. It's tedious. I wonder if, when you are here, and I am off work, if I will miss this? Having an office to go to. Time will tell.
Katie, who is the secretary at work and who is also pregnant, and at 30 weeks currently, (I find myself hoping you will know her baby and maybe be friends), was telling me that she didn't really "pop" until 26 weeks. And that now she really feels she has a belly! I guess I had better get on that maternity coat I've been thinking of buying... the air is getting cooler and my current coats are starting to strain over my belly. Over you. It won't be long now til you grow bigger and I will need a coat that fits.
Tonight I went for a walk. It occurs to me every now and then that I take you with me everywhere I go. To the bathroom! To the grocery store! You are there. Megan (the other pregnant lady at work - she is a month or so behind me in gestation time, and I hope you also know her baby in the years to come) has already had one child and she says that once the baby is born, it feels a little sad to no longer have another being with you always. I wonder at what that will feel like.
I wonder so much these days. Both in the sense of awe at what is happening within my body, but also in the sense of imagining what is in the future and what has not yet happened. Who will you be? How will your arrival change my life, change your father's and my life? And I am in awe, too, at how funny life is. How for years, your father and I went back and forth about whether or not to even try to make a baby, whether or not we wanted to have kids, and how once we did start trying, BAM, right away you came. It feels sudden. But in a way it is not.
Well, I had better wrap this up, and save some thoughts for later. Keep growing, and moving, and being, in there, dear baby.
-Your mama
the answers
(I don't have any, or I have fragments of them.)
But I ask myself lots of questions. (Mostly about whether or not something is OK, it seems.)
Is it OK to not really use Facebook much anymore? To not care about the News Feed?
(Yes.)
And then, related - is it OK to pivot, to change, to evolve? (Because I used to be a heavy Facebook user. Like, heavy.)
(Yes.)
Is it OK to do what I want? (And not do it purely for money, or for SEO, or for clicks and likes, or for what my Ideal Client wants?)
(Yes.)
Is it OK to share that journey? (And be vulnerable?)
(Yes.)
Is it OK to make my own way?
(Yes.)
What I miss:
- Connecting with other people through words, through the Internet. Seeing their world through their eyes. And showing them mine, through mine. Instagram does a good job of this these days, but. But. (But what?) Blogging just seems like my first love. A deeper place. A something different. A slower place.
- That time by myself to write. And then to share.
- Bulleted lists, haha.
So an idea comes to me, somewhere between yesterday and today. To write, every day, for the next 20 or so days. And not to tell anyone, or to post "New blog post up now!" on Instagram, or anything like that. Not to draw attention to it. Just to nurture this little space, my little words. My little hunch, that this is something I need to do again.
OK, alright. I can do that.
going backwards, going forwards
Looking for inspiration. Earbuds in, Bjork playing. That kind of mood, "Big Time Sensuality". The bedroom window in front of me with curtains open, it's almost dark outside. That Fall dark-blue sky, some rain.
I miss blogging. I miss writing daily, or nearly daily. I miss blogging before it was a massive vehicle, a rumbling SUV of a thing, a way to make a living, constrained by rules about pretty photos. I mean, I get it. We like pretty things. And I'm glad in a way that it's become what it has. But I also miss the days of just opening a new post and typing your thoughts and hitting Publish.
I want to bring that back, at least to my own life.
So tonight I'm writing out some ideas for "who I am now" and what I want to write about, put out there into the world.
Writer. Worker with people with disabilities (this one has been a huge learning curve this year!). Graphic designer. Wannabe veggie gardener (really didn't do much with it this year, but still, I got excited about the raspberries I found on the vine today - which reminded me that even when things feel fallow, they can and do grow back). Friend. Retreat planner. Mama-in-waiting. Girlfriend. Daughter. I still love local stuff but I am shy to revive the Dream Big brand and blog... so how to incorporate that? We'll see. I want to be more outspoken about the things that matter to me, social justice issues and all that. But I also want to share (some of) my life. I want my blog to be an interesting read.
What comes to my mind is the idea of flexing muscles that I haven't used in a while.
What does that look like?
Ask the question first, I guess.
What I'm excited about for Fall
September 1st has come and with it, the cooler weather - at least here in Cape Breton it's cooler. This date on the calendar and this time of year makes me reminisce about all the years past at this time, and where I was, what I was doing. Going off to university at 21... or travelling across Canada at 18...or going back to school at 27... and all the other times in between, when I was working a job, or unemployed, but the turn of the air still means harvesting vegetables, and cooler nights, and frosty mornings.
I love it. It's bittersweet but I do love it.
This Fall, maybe because I'm pregnant, it feels especially heightened, this excitement for this Fall to come. So I made a little moodboard and list of all I'm excited about, for the next couple of months. From left to right, top to bottom:
- Chicago! We're travelling there in late October for a wedding, and will visit a bunch of Adam's friends while we're there. I've only ever been there in the summer, so visiting in Autumn will be neat, I think. It's such a big and beautiful city, and I love finding something new about it each time we go. (My partner lived there from age 13 to age 27, so it's his home, basically. Even though he's still Canadian and all.) I'm excited especially for: our annual visit to "the Bean", eating a Chicago-style hot dog, and finding a Chicago map by an artist to bring home and frame.
- BlogJam: I'm a "Jambassador" this year, which means you'll be hearing more about this event from me in the months to come, as I do my part to spread the word about this fantastic blogging conference in Halifax, November 5th.
- Book Club: A friend hosts a book club in her home, and I joined last year. We've all picked our books for the coming year and it's a fantastic line-up of books I've been wanting to read! The local library provides the books and we provide the book chat... and the life chat. My GoodReads account is here if you're interested. I also post books I read on my Instagram.
- New season of Outlander! I love love love this show. It's so cozy, and exciting. Bring on the drama, bring on the reunion of Jamie and Claire! I'm still trying to figure out how to get it on-demand in Canada, and I'm willing to pay a subscription fee, so if you know something I don't, let me know.
- Creative Soul Weekend - this is a retreat for creative women that I co-host with my friend Emily. It's coming up soon - just two more weeks. This year we're going to try wire-wrapped jewelry and archery for our workshops, and there is also lots of time for beach exploring, journalling, talking and laughing. It's the best.
- New season of Broad City! Trailer is here. I can't wait to see what those crazy queens get up to next.
- The Magic Flute opera: Last opera season I went a couple of times to the "Live in HD" events at the local movie theatre, which is where the Met Opera gets streamed live to cinemas all over the world. It was awesome and I loved it. This season I'm going to try to get to a few before the baby comes, and the one I'm especially excited about is "Die Zauberflote", or in English, The Magic Flute. When I was a kid we had the Classical Kids' cassette of this (hear the first track here) and I loved it so much. I cannot WAIT to see the actual opera and hear the music I knew so well as a kid.
- Last but not least! I'm really excited to create a nursery for the little one I'm cooking up. (Image in moodboard is from Elise Blaha Cripe's blog, here.) This month I'm moving all my office stuff out of the guest bedroom I've been using as an office these last five years. Then next month my father-in-law will put in new flooring (apparently carpet isn't great for baby puke and poop? Haha), paint the walls, put in a new window and a new light. Then when that's done we'll start setting up the nursery. Hopefully it will be all together in time for Baby's February 8th due date!
Whew! That's a lot of good stuff. Things I wanted to include but didn't: apples, cool air, socks, and (this may sound weird) everything in the garden dying back. I didn't get much time to garden this year so my garden is overgrown with weeds. I can't wait for everything to die back so it's easier to prune and manage again. It feels a bit like a refresh.
So yeah, Fall. While I like some things about summer, more and more as I get older the heat of summer really takes the stuffing out of me, so this cooler weather feels like it wakes me up, gets my energy going. I like it.