it's good to go to the source

In my case, that means my mother's house in Baddeck Bay. 

Home of wooden plates, whole-wheat waffles packed with berries and chocolate, and snow-woods-silence. Three cats. Big windows. Memories. Maman. 

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Right now, more than anything, I value: silence. 

Both auditory and in my schedule.

Time to not think of others. Of their needs. Time and space to focus on me. My needs. 

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The clocks went forward one hour. It is lighter later. We crept forward a minute at a time for months and suddenly: jumped! 

Happy Monday, friends.

A present

A special weather statement is in effect. 

A low pressure system will pass south of Nova Scotia tonight as it intensifies and tracks towards Newfoundland. Snow from this system is expected to reach the Atlantic Coast of Nova Scotia this afternoon in the south and early this evening further north.

The clouds hang low. The air is still and cold. 

Just a few days ago it was warm. You could feel spring coming. I half expected to see the tiny tips of chives poking up out of the ground. I felt drunk on garden plans. 

A few days and a weather statement later, and we're back to considering shovels. Back to factoring in extra time in plans for clearing the driveway. Back to thinking, "Do I have enough books to read if the storm is heavier than expected?"

(I will always technically have enough books to read, as I have plenty on my shelves that I've never read. But what I'm really asking is, "Do I have enough books from the library that I'm actually excited to read?")

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Tonight on my way home from work (which is in Sydney) I drove past the turn to my house and all the way into town (which is North Sydney - and which is actually a completely separate town than Sydney; separated by a harbour in fact). I had gotten an email from my local library branch earlier, letting me know that an Inter-library Loan (or ILL for us nerds) was in. "Present Over Perfect" by Shauna Niequest. A title I have been wanting to read since I first heard about it last year, but which my own library system didn't buy, so I had to order it via ILL from somewhere else in the province. But you have to wait a year for those: they don't ILL books within a year of publication. 

So I knew I wasn't waiting til later in the weekend for this book. A storm on the way, and an exciting title? I'm definitely spending those extra ten minutes and what, a dollar? on gas to go get it. 

Happy Friday - and possible storm day - friends. 

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PS Bonus mini "Links Loved": these blogging tips by Erin Loechner feel really good to me right now. I read them through, and thought "yes, yes, yes." I want to go back and chew them over a few more times. 

 

quiet morning #1

We blog for such different reasons at different points in our lives. It really runs the gamut from showing expertise in a subject (carefully crafted posts, shared with less frequency) to off-the-cuff logging of life (the writing is then a work in progress, shared more with frequency). 

This month I am showing up here daily, quietly, I've decided. 

Making a small record every day. Of this life, as it is right now. 

Before things change. (If they change - so much of the upcoming possible change is not up to Adam and I. Only one part is.) 

For now, it's 6:32 am. I have "Kerala" by Bonobo on repeat, and loud. It feels like the perfect soundtrack. I love the voices blending, and the tones of the instruments. Outside the sun is rising. The sky is a gradient from blue to light yellow, stunning and clear. The ducks that live in the field nearby are flying around, black silhouettes against the light. 

Adam has left for work. He's working the Woodbine job these days, which starts at 7. I'll go to work at 8, for an 8:30 start. 

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A seagull flaps by. 

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I feel like digging back in time. Like spending time re-reading my own words, from 2002 (age 18), to 2012 (age 28). To today. To rediscover. Become re-inspired. 

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Happy Thursday, friends. 

Currently...

Writing for 15 minutes a day (or trying anyway).

Listening to this song.  It seems to fit this contented, peaceful season Adam and I find ourselves in.

Smelling the pre-Spring air, itching to dig in the ground. 

Googling easy-to-fit-together raised beds.

Drinking coffee, one cup in the morning. 

Desiring yoga again.

Making do with a few simple stretches in my chair right now.

Watching crows out of my window on the neighbour's telephone wire.

Hitting repeat on the song from earlier.

Thinking about women, patriarchy, misogyny, love and hate. (Happy Women's Day.)

Flipping through my Get To Work Book and thinking about the day of work ahead. Who will I see, whose hellos will I hear? Will I get my planned work done or will I be interrupted? How will those interruptions shape my day?

Making lunch - a sandwich, probably.

Happy Wednesday, friends. 

 

the winter blues

This winter I find myself wondering if I have the winter blues.

I don't have a solid answer. My gut doesn't immediately produce a YES or a NO, only the question. But I'm leaning towards "no," because I'm not actually sad. 

But I do feel like hibernating. Like listening to silence. Like turning off my phone. 

I do feel like opening space in my calendar, which requires an awful lot of "No, thanks, maybe another time,"-s, or "Can we play this by ear?" Or a phrase closer to the truth, which is, "I just started a new job at my work, and it's more tiring than I thought it would be." 

Which pushes my button of shame, directly. BZZT BZZT BZZT!

I think it's because I think I'm supposed to be invincible. (Do you think this about yourself, too?) That any new challenge, I'm supposed to chew it up like a snowblower does snow, and spit it out in a glorious arc over the snowbank, effortlessly. 

Except a snowblower actually takes effort. It takes gas and oil, takes a person pushing it and pulling it. Takes maintenance and care - covering it up after you're done using it, making sure it's secure. 

So, no. It's not the winter blues, that I have. It's that I'm a human, and humans get tired. Social media, and having a full calendar, doesn't make my spirit go "Ahhhhhh....." right now, the way free space, and staring up at the sky does. 

It's odd, for me, someone who has put parts of her life up on blogs or social networks, for years, to feel the opposite compulsion. But... I'm going with it for now. That's how it goes, after all, this being human thing.

How is your winter going?

xo Leah 

How I resist.

howiresist

These days are not normal. The days creep closer until Donald Trump becomes the President. The days continue to pass that I - and many others - look around like "What? This is really happening?" 

I thought I would share with you how I, personally, am resisting accepting this as normal. I don't care that it's happening in America and I live in Canada - that means nothing to me. Half my family is American. A good number of dear friends are American. America is my country's closest sibling, who lives right next door. If they're in trouble, so are we. 

So:

  1. Leah McElrath is the first place I go when I'm wondering what's new. 
  2. Then I check in with the following: Summer Brennan, Sarah Kendzior, Ijeoma Oluo, Lauren Duca and Kate Harding. There are more folks too but most of them I found by following those people. 
  3. I've been listening to The 451 Podcast. I do think it's pretty funny that in 2017, the resistance ...has a podcast. Of course it does. But that doesn't make it any less important. 
  4. I forgive myself for not being perfect. For needing rest. For needing time away from seeing it all unfold. For still going about my daily life instead of packing up my car and driving to Washington to join the Women's March. 
  5. I talk about it out loud as much as I'm able to, in real life, with the people around me. This is not normal. This is not OK. And it's all too easy to accept it as normal, simply by wanting to blend in, to not stick out as different from the people around you. That's how Naziism took hold in Germany in the 30s. People wanted to be "good", but to resist you have to risk looking foolish, different. So do that, in whatever amount you're able to. That's what it means to resist. 

How about you, how do you resist? What are you able to do? 

 

In Transition

The parsley went to seed this year.

The parsley went to seed this year.

So here we are, it's a week into the New Year. Goals and resolutions hit the road. Or, wait, what's that phrase? When the rubber hits the road? Yeah, something like that. Anyway, what I mean is, one week in to the new year is when I remember that you've got to take things one day at a time. Setting goals for the year is a good thing, but it's one day at a time that dreams come to pass. That the work gets done. 

Me running the snowblower earlier today. The joy of flying snow!

Me running the snowblower earlier today. The joy of flying snow!

It was a funny week. Monday started off strong when I took part in a really fun voice workshop with a local singer and voice teacher, and then Tuesday I was back to work. The clients at Horizon weren't back yet, it was just staff in that day, so it was very quiet around the Centre. It was nice though, to have a chance to get my bearings back in the office, before adding in the hustle and bustle of clients to the building. 

Then Wednesday morning I woke up with a full-blown head cold. Low energy, congestion, the whole bit. So that day I stayed home from work, and slept and OK, yeah, watched Outlander. (I finished Season 2 - have you seen it?) Luckily for me, I had made a big pot of chicken soup the week before, when Adam was sick, so I had a steady supply of easy-to-heat nutrients. 

Thursday I was still under the weather, so I took another sick day. This time around I slept the entire day, waking only to eat lunch (soup again). I always resist doing that, sleeping a whole day, I think because I don't like missing out on a whole day of life, but it seemed to do the trick at kicking those germs' butts because the next day I was mostly back to normal. 

I went back to work on Friday, which felt like a Monday, but of course was not. I was glad to get out of the house though, and get back to the office and see familiar co-workers and clients. It's funny - NEST is my word for the year, which I first assumed would mean getting all domestic and working on our home, but I'm already noticing that I need to get out of the nest just as much. Being around others, and working with them, satisfies a part of me I just can't get at home.

The "One Little Word" course I mentioned in last week's post asks you to pick a quote that uses your word, and the one I found and went with is: 

"By going and coming, a bird weaves its nest."

It's an Ashanti proverb, according to the Internet. I like it - it says to me that going out into the community, away from your home, and then coming back with bits you find (whether those are actual material things, or stories or experiences), is just as much a part of the nest-building process as working in or on your home. Which is good, because I go a little stir-crazy when I'm home for too long. 

So that was the week! Not a lot going on, but that's just fine. This weekend I got out, over to Sydney during the day on Saturday, and helped my friend Amanda shop for her freezer meal workshop. It was actually fun, going shopping with her, and we talked about maybe doing our weekly groceries together, to hang out together and also to spare our partners from having to do it. 

And then after that, before I came back to North Sydney, I got to have coffee with a friend who lives in Ottawa these days, but who was home for the holidays, and another mutual friend who lives in town. The fact that I'm not doing client work on the weekends means I have time for these things. For sitting in a coffee shop and losing track of the time, my hands wrapped around a mug with two cold sips of mocha left in the bottom, laughing and catching up on each others' lives. It feels really good. 

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So this blog and I, you may sense, are in transition. Over the next month or so, I'll make some tweaks to it, making it less about the freelance design business that I was starting, less about selling me and my services, and more about just... me. My writing. My photos. My design work, yes, but that design work is part of a greater body of work that I've made and want to share. This word I've picked for the year, NEST, can also mean my nest, or home, on the web, which is what this website is, when you think about it. So, like making changes to a physical space, I'll make some changes to this digital space to reflect where my life is at now, and what I want to be making and sharing. Stay tuned!

I'm turning away from having my own business, at least for this year, and to be honest, it feels OK. I had worried that I would feel disappointed in myself, or that I had disappointed others, (especially those who supported my crowdfunding campaign in 2015) but honestly, I don't. I gave freelance-on-the-side-while-working-full-time a decent shot. It wasn't for me. That's not to say that freelance design won't work for me sometime down the road, but for now, for where I'm at in my life, I prefer keeping the full-time job (for a variety of reasons), and then getting rid of a few extra commitments so that I have more time and energy. So that I'm a better worker when I'm at work, and a better friend, partner, and, well, friend to myself, when I'm not at work. 

More on all of these things, to come! I want to blog weekly I think. For now, I'll leave you with a selfie of me earlier today, after Adam and I had cleared the driveway of snow, and I went into the backyard to poke around in the snow-covered garden a bit. 

With love,

Leah