Things that help when you're going through a breakup and you're also 7 months pregnant

(At least, this is what helped me. My own experience is not yours, and if you are going through this, you'll have your own things. But I hope mine inspire you a bit.)

In November of 2017, last year, my partner left me when I was 7 months pregnant and shortly after he got together with a new woman. The details of that break-up are private and still raw and maybe one day I'll share them, but for now I wanted to share a post that I wrote over the course of November and December as I thought of things that were helping me get through what was definitely the hardest time in my life. I wasn't ready to post it til now, but I feel it's time. Here we go, here's what helped me get through each day when I really had no idea how I was supposed to get through each day: 

  1. Texting good friends. Now is not the time to detox from your phone. Now is the time to type out all your thoughts with one finger, and feel like you're maybe being too vulnerable, but say it all anyway. They will understand. You would do the same for them. (Never mind when your mom makes a comment about the dinging of your phone, and Pavlov's dog. This is what is getting you through. Fuck it.)
  2. Packing your favourite clothes, your favourite books, your favourite candles, your favourite mug and towel, and moving to your brother's old bedroom at your mom's house. Your brother lives in BC now. He doesn't care if you move his stuff off the shelves and move your own stuff in. He doesn't care if you make this little room your haven for now. You don't know if you'll be here a month or two months or longer, but for now, this is a safe place to land. 
  3. Walks. Even though your lower back hurts. Even though your belly bump strains at the buttons on your coat. Even though it's November and goddamn it but this is the most depressing time of year, the sky is grey, the leaves are off the trees, and the days are short. Whatever - walk anyway. 
  4. Work. Yep, all that shit that drives you nuts is still there. And yep, there are times where you think to yourself "I don't even CARE about this right now!" Do it anyway. It will pass the time, and it will make you feel loved and needed by someone. 
  5. "I Don't Like To" by Shad, on repeat. I'm not sure why. But it makes me feel like an alive badass surviving some real shit. Shad is a lyrical genius, and his words and delivery make me feel like yeah, "I don't really like to" do this, but I am doing it, and I'm doing it with fucking panache (some days - other days I'm barely making it through the day). https://genius.com/Shad-i-dont-like-to-lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-q0YX0uPQs 
  6. Dreams. Remembering that I really do want to be a writer, dammit. I really do want to follow my heart, in big ways and in small ways. In ways that I compromised when I was with my ex, to make myself smaller, to make myself more palatable to him, to fit a square peg into a round hole. I want an apple tree in the backyard, for example. But we lived in his house, the one he bought, the one he was going to re-sell someday. Not our forever home. And an apple tree wasn't something he wanted. 
  7. Deep breaths. Slowing down. Seeing the people around me. 
  8. Sarah Deragon's #Thisismebeing40 Instagram posts. She went through an awful divorce the year she turned 40 and wrote some thoughts as she went that I found helpful. 
  9. Music. Beats. Remembering I am sexy. I am cool. I am fun. I have a personality. I am not just sad all the time. I like things. 
  10. Affirmations. "I am going to get through this." "I am a good person." "I can do this." "I will not be forgotten once I leave work to have the baby."
  11. My counselor. Every two weeks. One hour to talk it all out. 
  12. Tears, man. Fucking tears. I am so sick of crying but it helps. It always feels like it will never end. When will the tears be DONE? (They do end eventually.)
  13. Anything that reminds me of who I am. Like my favorite songs - cranked. Or funny shows like Parks and Recreation or The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt. 
  14. Writing things down in my journal. That may not be your jam but it is mine. Writing down those feelings, whatever they be. 
  15. Work that distracts. 
  16. It's OK if you forget about the pregnancy from time to time or even for a whole month at a time as you get through the breakup. Sometimes it's just too painful to remember you are growing a person inside you that you decided together to try for, back just 9 months ago when you had no idea this major disaster was on the horizon, bearing down on your life. A pregnancy that it feels like should have ended when the relationship did but NOPE, that little person is well on his or her way now, and you are its mother, and you are going to be a damn good mother regardless of all this shit. 

And that's all I wrote. But reading back over it I want to add: healing from such a wound takes time. It takes deep love for yourself and faith that you will be stronger at the broken places. You have those things in you, to be sure. Let the people who love you reflect it back to you. Take care of yourself and the baby first - that's what is most important. And let your intuition be your guide, it is never wrong. 

There's beauty in store, dear one. I promise. 

IMG_7197.JPG

More clarity + more growth

IMG_7867.JPG

My previous post on this blog was literally the day before my son was born, five weeks premature. It is so weird to go back and read it... it feels like a dispatch from a foreign country. I remember taking that photo, walking out to the back garden at my mother's house, in the snow. Seeing the trees with the snow so perfectly laid down on the branches. Feeling the stillness of the winter woods, of that point in my life. I realize now that it was the calm before a major storm. 

That night before I went to bed I used the bathroom and there was a bit of blood in my underwear. Only a tiny amount, like just pink really. Still, I texted Adam to let him know. We agreed to keep an eye on it. The next day in the afternoon I had an appointment scheduled to see my doctor, so I figured if I was still having bleeding the next day she could check me out. 

I went to bed.

Around 2 am, bad back pain woke me up. It was so bad I had to sit up in the bed. Then it passed. A few minutes later it was back. I waited about 10 minutes before I got up and woke my mom up. We agreed that I should go to the hospital. 35 weeks pregnant at that point, we didn't want to take chances. It's an hour's drive from my mom's house to the hospital, and it was snowing fairly heavily. So we called an ambulance. 

I got to the hospital around 4 am and by 6:53, Aidan Michael was born. 

At some point I'll flesh out the details of the birth, and all that came after (2.5 weeks in the NICU, a breastfeeding attempt and fail, the decision to move to formula, moving in to my new apartment, and the slow movement of winter into spring and sadness into happiness)... but for now I just wanted to update the blog. Aidan has arrived, and life is more wonderful now. More clear. I honestly feel happier than I have in years... and grateful for most if not all that happened in the last six months. 

For more pics of Aidan Michael Elliott-Noble, here are the ones I've posted on Instagram!

clarity

IMG_7334.JPG

The last post I wrote on here was called "foggy waters" and indeed things felt foggy then. Things feel clearer now. 

Crazy to think that last post was on November 18th. It feels like far longer ago than that! A month and a half only... those days in between feel hard-won.

Anyway, it felt like time for an update. 

A lot of the questions in that last post have been answered. Yes, we're breaking up. Yes, there is hope - but not about us getting back together. It's hope for the baby, for us as co-parents. For our family (extended) to crack apart and then mend in a new way. We're doing pretty good at that so far. We're gathering the stuff the baby will need, and we're communicating well. The support of my own parents and brother has been invaluable. Yes, I will thrive again.  I can feel the buds of that appearing. Yes, I will have my own place. (There is one in the works, I just haven't moved in yet.) 

A lot of the things I mentioned as helping me through the dark patches are still what gives me life. Friends, and their texts, and laughing with them - LIFE. Music, old from my past or new, introduced to me - MORE LIFE. Writing about it - in my journal, in drafts in my email for future posts. In texts to friends. Same: LIFE. These things remind me I am alive, I am bad-ass, I am getting through. I CAN get through. 

I picked a word for this year, and it is GROW. On Instagram I wrote: "What I'm interested in inviting into my life this year is... growth. Both that of my baby (in the next month and a half she or he is growing to full-term, being born and then there is all the growth after that), and of myself. I'm growing as a person too... becoming a mother. Living on my own for the first time since I was 18. (I had room-mates after my first apartment on my own, and then lived with my partner for five years.) Going through a separation is a painful process and the last three months of 2017 were about things breaking apart, and me feeling broken. I want to *heal*, to feel *joy*. I want to respect the process of course - not just pretend I'm not sad when I'm sad - but I want to welcome in the positive growth that is part of this process too."

Right now the growth feels hidden. Under snow, in the case of the garden and the woods. Under my own skin, in the case of the baby that I cannot yet see, but who is slowly getting bigger every day, getting ready to be born. (Holy shit!) And hidden beyond this moment, in the future, unknown, in the case of everything else - my new place, when it will be ready, how I'll move in, what I'll need, how the birth will go. 

But just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening. Secret small things are unfurling, are building off each other, are becoming real and new. GROWTH is surprising, GROWTH is ancient and yet brand new. Growth is happening. 



 

Dear Baby - Weeks 21/22/23

dearbaby.JPG

(Written last week:)

Dear Baby,

Today we had another ultrasound for you. Your grandma, Mary Jane, your Dad's mom, came with me. We went to the Northside General hospital and saw Julie the student and the other ultrasound tech whose name I forget, the ones who had done our ultrasound two weeks previous, at the Regional Hospital. They had me back in to take pictures of your heart, which right now looks like a flashing black spot on the screen (to me at least - I bet those ultrasound techs can see more than that). The last time we went for an ultrasound, two weeks ago, you were lying with your back to the ultrasound transducer and they couldn't get the pictures they wanted. So today I went back in. I drank 1L of water and lay on the bed with my belly exposed, covered in goopy gel, while the techs moved the transducer, slid and pressed it over my belly to try and see you. Your head was down by my pelvis and your legs were up over you, like up by my belly button. 

Your grandma was very excited - this was her first time in the ultrasound room. She sat by my left side and peeked at the screen, sometimes leaning way over to see it. When I went to the bathroom to pee out some of the water (it's a lot of water to keep in at once!), I came back to hear her telling the techs that she is 72 and this baby has been a long time coming. They congratulated her. We are all very excited to meet you, dear baby. 

It's crazy to me that you are right now inside of me, and that in four months or so you'll be out, in the outside world, a real live human, doing stuff. And that we'll get to meet you and name you, hold you and take care of you. It blows my mind every day. 


(Written yesterday)

Dear Baby... 

I was at work and sitting in Amanda's office at break time, like usual. I was patting my stomach. I'm either at 22 weeks or 23, depending on how you're growing and if you're growing too slowly or if I really am behind a week. I said, "I feel like I've hit a plateau and the baby isn't growing." Amanda said, "When you're at 35-40 weeks you'll be like, 'remember when I was complaining because my belly was small?'" and we both laughed.

I'm at work and I don't want to put in some reporting I have to do. It's tedious. I wonder if, when you are here, and I am off work, if I will miss this? Having an office to go to. Time will tell. 

Katie, who is the secretary at work and who is also pregnant, and at 30 weeks currently, (I find myself hoping you will know her baby and maybe be friends), was telling me that she didn't really "pop" until 26 weeks. And that now she really feels she has a belly! I guess I had better get on that maternity coat I've been thinking of buying... the air is getting cooler and my current coats are starting to strain over my belly. Over you. It won't be long now til you grow bigger and I will need a coat that fits.

Tonight I went for a walk. It occurs to me every now and then that I take you with me everywhere I go. To the bathroom! To the grocery store! You are there. Megan (the other pregnant lady at work - she is a month or so behind me in gestation time, and I hope you also know her baby in the years to come) has already had one child and she says that once the baby is born, it feels a little sad to no longer have another being with you always. I wonder at what that will feel like. 

I wonder so much these days. Both in the sense of awe at what is happening within my body, but also in the sense of imagining what is in the future and what has not yet happened. Who will you be? How will your arrival change my life, change your father's and my life? And I am in awe, too, at how funny life is. How for years, your father and I went back and forth about whether or not to even try to make a baby, whether or not we wanted to have kids, and how once we did start trying, BAM, right away you came. It feels sudden. But in a way it is not.

Well, I had better wrap this up, and save some thoughts for later. Keep growing, and moving, and being, in there, dear baby. 

-Your mama

What I'm excited about for Fall

Fall2017Moodboard.png

September 1st has come and with it, the cooler weather - at least here in Cape Breton it's cooler. This date on the calendar and this time of year makes me reminisce about all the years past at this time, and where I was, what I was doing. Going off to university at 21... or travelling across Canada at 18...or going back to school at 27... and all the other times in between, when I was working a job, or unemployed, but the turn of the air still means harvesting vegetables, and cooler nights, and frosty mornings. 

I love it. It's bittersweet but I do love it. 

This Fall, maybe because I'm pregnant, it feels especially heightened, this excitement for this Fall to come. So I made a little moodboard and list of all I'm excited about, for the next couple of months. From left to right, top to bottom:

  • Chicago! We're travelling there in late October for a wedding, and will visit a bunch of Adam's friends while we're there. I've only ever been there in the summer, so visiting in Autumn will be neat, I think. It's such a big and beautiful city, and I love finding something new about it each time we go. (My partner lived there from age 13 to age 27, so it's his home, basically. Even though he's still Canadian and all.) I'm excited especially for: our annual visit to "the Bean", eating a Chicago-style hot dog, and finding a Chicago map by an artist to bring home and frame. 
  • BlogJam: I'm a "Jambassador" this year, which means you'll be hearing more about this event from me in the months to come, as I do my part to spread the word about this fantastic blogging conference in Halifax, November 5th. 
  • Book Club: A friend hosts a book club in her home, and I joined last year. We've all picked our books for the coming year and it's a fantastic line-up of books I've been wanting to read! The local library provides the books and we provide the book chat... and the life chat. My GoodReads account is here if you're interested. I also post books I read on my Instagram. 
  • New season of Outlander! I love love love this show. It's so cozy, and exciting. Bring on the drama, bring on the reunion of Jamie and Claire! I'm still trying to figure out how to get it on-demand in Canada, and I'm willing to pay a subscription fee, so if you know something I don't, let me know. 
  • Creative Soul Weekend - this is a retreat for creative women that I co-host with my friend Emily. It's coming up soon - just two more weeks. This year we're going to try wire-wrapped jewelry and archery for our workshops, and there is also lots of time for beach exploring, journalling, talking and laughing. It's the best. 
  • New season of Broad City! Trailer is here. I can't wait to see what those crazy queens get up to next.
  • The Magic Flute opera: Last opera season I went a couple of times to the "Live in HD" events at the local movie theatre, which is where the Met Opera gets streamed live to cinemas all over the world. It was awesome and I loved it. This season I'm going to try to get to a few before the baby comes, and the one I'm especially excited about is "Die Zauberflote", or in English, The Magic Flute. When I was a kid we had the Classical Kids' cassette of this (hear the first track here) and I loved it so much. I cannot WAIT to see the actual opera and hear the music I knew so well as a kid. 
  • Last but not least! I'm really excited to create a nursery for the little one I'm cooking up. (Image in moodboard is from Elise Blaha Cripe's blog, here.) This month I'm moving all my office stuff out of the guest bedroom I've been using as an office these last five years. Then next month my father-in-law will put in new flooring (apparently carpet isn't great for baby puke and poop? Haha), paint the walls, put in a new window and a new light. Then when that's done we'll start setting up the nursery. Hopefully it will be all together in time for Baby's February 8th due date! 

Whew! That's a lot of good stuff. Things I wanted to include but didn't: apples, cool air, socks, and (this may sound weird) everything in the garden dying back. I didn't get much time to garden this year so my garden is overgrown with weeds. I can't wait for everything to die back so it's easier to prune and manage again. It feels a bit like a refresh. 

So yeah, Fall. While I like some things about summer, more and more as I get older the heat of summer really takes the stuffing out of me, so this cooler weather feels like it wakes me up, gets my energy going. I like it. 

 

one of my favourite poems

This Body Is Growing a Person

By Sheree Fitch

 

Why say: I'm going to have a baby?

You give birth.

But you never own.

You never have.
 

To say baby is to say cherub cheeks and dimpled wrists 

warm snuggle bunny baby bundle.

Sure there's a faint echo of crying and smell of baby shit

but both are sweet to ear and nose in conception.

 

Say instead:

This body is growing a person.

Picture that chalky fish on the ultrasound screen as

infant, toddler, child, adolescent

a grown person with a mortgage

no job, child support to pay.

Picture inside you a temper tantrum

a three-year-old scribbling on the walls

a face full of acne

a lip being stitched

a weeping teenager broken-hearted for the first time

a door-smashing wall-pounding adolescent

a runaway

an addict

a crackpot conservative, a lunatic lefty

a vegan

a vegetable

a prostitute

a convict

a schizophrenic

a tightrope walker, a high-rise window washer

a human trying to be.

 

Picture yourself inside yourself.

(Now there's a terrifying thought.)

 

For nine months see baby

an old person with false teeth, pleated face

halitosis, osteoporosis, a bruised heart.

 

Say:

This body is growing a person.

Be prepared

when baby stands before you

framed in the arch of a doorway

waving goodbye with a promise to call

a baby you can no longer hold

                            no longer rock

                            no longer kiss and make it better for.

 

Just watch:

as he goes out

into a world

that most days

is just not              good           enough

for any baby you might dare to call your own.

 


1993, Sheree Fitch. In the collection "In this house are many women, and other poems", Goose Lane Editions. 

Sheree's website is here. 

So I'm pregnant!

I found out on June 21 and ever since have been keeping it mostly a secret. I say "mostly" because I told my close friends, and our immediate family (parents, siblings) right away, but have been waiting to hit that magical 12-week mark before I let it be public (and then, Adam had to call his friends in Chicago, and then I went on a trip to Toronto, so it's taken a little longer than I expected to announce to the world). I'm at 14 weeks now. Due February 8th, 2018. A wee Noble-Elliott concoction! Woo hoo! 

I gotta say, it has been hard not to say anything on social media relating to pregnancy, and instead pretend life is just ticking along as it was before. So I've mainly just not said anything at all.

As well, I've been really tired and nauseous, so that other than going to work and then coming home every day, and sleeping, and then waking up and sometimes making supper before going back to bed, there hasn't been a lot to post to Instagram or blog about, really. (Except for my trip to Toronto last week, which, thank goodness I wasn't super tired for.) And I didn't want to just post the same naps, dishes and office pics over and over, and come across as super boring. ("Doesn't she ever get her ass up off the couch anymore?" -- I imagined people thinking.) But I also didn't have the energy to "look for inspiration and beauty in the everyday!" or anything along those lines - I was actually quite happy to just take time to chill. 

This has resulted in me taking a kind of social media hermitage for the last month, which has been nice in some ways, and irritating in others. 

What's Been Nice:

  • For Adam and I to just enjoy the knowledge that we're cooking a little baby up, and things are relatively chill for now... I'm not showing, not everyone knows, it's just us and our little Strawberry/Plum/whatever fruit size it is that week. Before long my bump will grow, and everyone will know, and life will probably never be this quiet again.
  • To take a little break from social media, because really, that's always good for creativity and ideas, even if I resist it at the time.
  • To prioritize rest. For several weeks there I would get home from work and be so exhausted I could not do anything else but crawl into bed and sleep for two hours. It didn't matter that the dishes weren't done, that the clothes were in piles on the floor, that the book I ached to read was right there, that there were projects I wanted to work on. None of it mattered because my body was growing a human and it was effing tired and needed to rest. 

What's Been Irritating:

  • Dangit but I just want to talk publicly about what I'm going through! And share All the Feelings - the excitement, the fear, the fact that a human being is growing inside my body, which continually blows my mind. 
  • I hate not explaining things. I know, I know, everyone has the right to take breaks and not say why, and I would never begrudge anyone else that right, ever. But I also just like to say "Here's what's going on with me!" rather than some vague "Oh I'm a little worn out right now". I like honesty, I like to share. I guess that's why I like blogging? LOL.

ANYway. So yeah! I took a little break, somewhat. Because I'm pregnant! Main takeaway: I've been sleeping a lot. My nausea has now subsided. And the baby, which started out Blueberry-sized the week I found out I was pregnant, is now the size of a Peach. 

So hurray! I can't wait to share more of my pregnancy as it progresses. In the meantime - here are two fun board books I bought already... you know this kiddo is going to have a massive library before it's even born!