December Devotion/11

I'm actually grateful to the cold I had this week, that made me miss two sick days at work. I'm grateful for it because I was able to use it as a reason to cancel the plans I had made for this weekend, and stay home to rest. 

I had wanted down time, and because of this cold, I got it. 

In my down time, I thought a lot about the Productivity Vampire Voices. These are the breed of Vampire Voices that are specifically keen to beat me up about my productivity. You know the kinds of things they say; I bet you have them too. Basically, they tell me I'm only as good as the number of things on my To-Do list that I get done each day. Rest is their kryptonite. 

So my Productivity Vampire Voices were at a fever pitch when I first got sick, on Tuesday. But when I cancelled things, and got into bed, and slept, or watched Gilmore Girls, they began to fade. 

I want, so much, for there to be more space in my life. In my schedule. I really think this whole "we're all so freaking busy!!" thing is, frankly, horseshit. What I mean is, I think we've been sold a crock. I think we "hustle for our worth," which is something I heard Brene Brown say in a podcast episode I listened to this week.  I think women especially have such a hard time saying NO because they think that they have to help whoever asks them for help. 

It's easy, though, to say that. It's a whole other thing to live like that. To live essentially.

That's why I'm excited to take part in an upcoming experiment by the author of a book that has had a huge impact on me this year, Essentialism. It's called "Essential Live" and it's free. It starts on December 15th

The other thing I'm excited about, for focusing on my dreams + goals for the year to come, is an online retreat hosted by Mara Glatzel that I'm taking part in this Sunday. It's called "Glitter + Devotion".  I'll let you know next week, how I liked it and what I learned. 

So Devotion, today and for the weekend ahead, is about devotion to myself. Devotion to, well, to figuring out what is worth devoting myself to, and what can be left by the wayside. 

May you have a lovely weekend,

xo Leah

December Devotion/10

Devotion tonight looks like pudding. 

I asked Adam if he would pick up some pudding from the grocery store for me because I was having a craving. He didn't want to. But he did it. 

When he came home with the plastic bag, it had (no joke) six different kinds of pudding in it. Snack Pack in Milk Chocolate AND Dark Chocolate. Instant pudding in boxes. A chocolate mousse mix. 

The man may be one of few words but he is also one of a great variety of puddings. 

***

Hot damn, I love it when Janelle Hachett writes a new blog post. And tonight she did, and lo, it is about relationships. And it is good.

***

I've been home sick from work for two days now. I've been sleeping, and watching lots of Gilmore Girls. This is my old blog, my very first blog in fact, and tonight I searched "Gilmore Girls" on it for a walk down memory lane. Here are the results.  Reading them reminded me that I have never, in fact, really known what I'm doing. I get all caught up in perfectionism and worry, and don't want to just write and put stuff out there. When in fact, that is all I've ever really done. And it's worked so far. 

***

So devotion to one's craft looks like writing anyway, even if it is not perfect, because nothing ever is, and devotion to one's commonlaw-wife looks like pudding.

I'll take it. 

December Devotion/9

Today, I found devotion in a few places.

• Mittens staying devoted to me (and well, to sleeping - she's quite devoted to that) all day while I was home sick in bed.
• Adam's devotion in the form of soup, good bread warmed up with butter, and grated cheese on top (yesterday for dinner).
• The devotion of Lorelei and Rory for one another (is that a stretch? Probably). I used to watch the Gilmore Girls when I was at St. Thomas University, a million years ago, and just this week started watching the series from the beginning, on Netflix. Time flies. I'm hoping that I'll finish up all seven seasons just before the new season comes out... I'm only in season 1 now, so there is hope.

December Devotion/8

After Saturday, there was Sunday. 

And on Sunday, the weather was beautiful.

I got out of the house, and out of the neighbourhood. I drove out to Sydney Mines, and walked along Florence Beach. 

I stayed devoted to fresh air, to my own deep need to walk in the air, to see the ocean. To hear the beach sounds. To play with light and shadow. 

December Devotion/7

Me, hopeful, before I started trying to curl my hair on Saturday.

I took a break over the weekend from writing these December Devotion posts, because, well, I am human.

And humans need regular breaks from things. Like work. And projects. And other people. 

Breaks are good. You could say this is the overarching, reoccurring lesson of my life. From my Big Depression in university in 2007, to just managing the day-to-day needs of human life, breaks are good is something I forget about with alarming frequency. And then, remember, more often than I used to. So at least, I'm learning, somewhat.

And again, I'm human, so that's the best we can do, I think. To learn, somewhat, as we go through this life business. 

The weekend was, among other things, an opportunity to re-learn that phrase, "Man plans, God laughs." It was the staff Christmas party at my work. My boyfriend Adam really does not like going out to social events like that, where he's totally out of his comfort zone. You could call him an introvert, you could call him socially anxious, although he doesn't call himself those things. He just says, "No," when I ask him to come out to things. So anyway, I'd been asking him for weeks if he would come with me to this. He's never met my co-workers, and I've been there for a year and a half now. I really wanted him to come. He kept saying, "We'll see," and "I really don't want to go." 

"I know," I'd say, "But just this once?"

"We'll see," he'd say.

The night before the party, I asked him to commit. I got upset. I said, "I hate going to these things alone," which is partially true. It's also not: I don't super mind. 

We fought. He said, "I've told you all along I don't want to go!" 

"Yes, but you also said, 'we'll see'!" I said.

And back and forth like that for a while. 

Anyway, long story short, in the end he came with me. But I had had it in my head that we would have this wonderful, date-night-like, sparkly, glamorous evening, where I would look fabulous and we would be in our best couple-shape: cozy, intimate, witty, in love. 

And, I had decided to try and do this vintage style with my hair. But my hair wouldn't take the curl, and I'm only very new to using a curling iron anyway. 

That afternoon, when I still wasn't sure Adam was coming (even though he had said he would), and my hair wasn't doing what I had wanted it to, I got frustrated as heck, and went for a long walk in the field and woods near our house. I cried. I texted my friend and ranted to her about why life was so unfair at this particular moment. I took some pictures. I cried a bit more. And I realized, I needed to just go with it. So what if I my hair wasn't pin-up-worthy. So what if Adam was grumpy with me, and me with him. 

One of the pretty photos I took while out on my walk.

In the end, it was what it was. Adam was there in protest, but he still got along and made jokes with the people we sat with. I looked perfectly fine, even if I didn't achieve my pin-up hair goals. I said a few awkward things, but let's be honest, I probably would have said them anyway. We ate our stuffed chicken breasts, potatoes with gravy, corn, carrots and turnip, and laughed at other people's jokes, and then we left before the dance started. We went home, got in our PJs, and watched hockey (him) and "Gilmore Girls" (me) on the couch, while our cat snoozed on our legs. And it was good.

Anne Lamott wrote, in "Travelling Mercies," which I am reading these days, in a story where her little boy doesn't get to swim out to see some seals, as he was hoping,

"I was desperate to fix him, fix the situation, make everything happy again, and then I remembered this basic religious principle that God isn't there to take away our suffering or our pain, but to fill it with his or her presence." 

And I think that's what devotion is about, and what this weekend taught me about devotion. Devotion to a moment, staying devoted to your situation, even when it's not what you thought it would be. Looking for the presence of God in it, anyway. 

There was a layer of snow on the field. This one makes me think of the title, "What Lies Beneath," as in, the bones below the snow. 

December Devotion/4

In this piece from 2012, titled "Devotion, stardust & the rewards of showing up: 3 lessons from 12 years of yoga," Alexandra Franzen says, 

"DEVOTION is an action, not an emotion.

Want to know what you’re devoted to? Look at your calendar. Examine how you actually spend your time, on the planet.

If you ‘can’t find the time’ for an hour of yoga, three times a week — or whatever else you say you want to do — that’s fine. Do something else. Check your email. Fly a kite. Learn to crochet. Host a tea party. But don’t kid yourself — it’s tiresome. Be honest about what you’re devoted to."

In this piece from 2013, titled "On Flakiness & devotion," she writes,

"With a modicum of self-inquiry and honesty (“Can I really devote to this? Do I really want this? Can I really afford this?”) we can avoid 99.9% of eventual flakedom.

The next three times I want to flake out … I won’t. (...) Because devotion is wildly sexy."

December Devotion/3

There I am, in the middle of that photo! Can you see me? I'm seated at an upright bench, in the middle of the gym, in what used to be, for me, the scariest part of the gym, the part in front of the mirrors where all the Serious Weightlifters work out.

And now I lift weights alongside them, and watch my form in the mirror, and I'm actually watching my form and going "damn girl!" instead of feeling super self-conscious about my body and wishing parts of it were smaller.

Part of that is that certain parts have gotten smaller. But part of it is also that now I'm proud of the strength I've built up. 

This past year, since June, I've devoted myself to learning to lift weights. (You can read the whole story in this post from last month, about why I started, how I've done it, and how it makes me feel.)

This last month, I've been devoting time to eating better, too... eating as fuel for my lifts. I'll post about that sometime this month, as it deserves its own post.