- I am inspired by Sommersalt's July experiment. (Here.) She is writing a list of 10 observations of the world around her, each day. They are spare and beautiful, striking to the heart of it.
- I don't think I will do it every day. At least not right now. I am not in the headspace for a daily project. But I am in the headspace for simplicity. And for noticing. So we shall see.
- The birch tree I see when I look out the window rustles and tosses like a green pom-pom, gently shaken.
- There are things I am waiting to tell, waiting to make public. I am both anxious and excited to share. In time.
- My partner showers and I can hear the water spilling and running.
- There is a card my mother gave me, sitting on my desk beside me. A photo of two women sewing, wearing cloth around their heads, their faces looking up at the photographer, is on the front. Mom used it to wrap a pair of socks she knitted.
- My office is packed with things, most glaringly four blue bags filled with recyclables, waiting for next Friday.
- I crave tomorrow's freedom to fill my time as I please, and ache to turn my attention to the space I live in.
- We are about to drive over to Sydney and get some ribs at RibFest.
- Love.
textures
All I have in me at the moment.
finding my electricity
It's May, the end of May. The grass is green and bushy, coming along now. All the plants in the garden are making themselves known. Greening, growing.
Life rolls along. I and Adam go to our respective works, do our jobs. Come home. Make food. And all of the little things that fill up a day. (Texting, paletting, peeing, singing, walking, dish-doing... et cetera.)
Last post, I wrote about my new job and some of the resistance roadblocks I've felt. Well, those voices of resistance are slowly creeping back into the corners, but they are still present. But as I do a little more each day, I get more confident.
There are still times, though, when I take a big step out of my comfort zone, and then I feel nervous. Like last week - the choir I direct held a Spring Concert/Singalong for the other clients in the Centre and boy, was I nervous! For weeks leading up to it. There is nothing like pushing the boundaries of what you know, and going into the territory of "who the heck knows how this will go!", to make me feel... all the feelings. I was nervous that I'd f*ck it all up, that all my coworkers would laugh at me or talk about me behind my back, that the choir themselves would forget all the songs we've been learning, or that some other Potential Complete Failure would come to pass. Or all of those things at once! Whenever I thought about May 26 (the chosen date) those fears would flash across my brain.
BUT deep breaths and mantras help. Seriously! Mantras like "Just do your best, Noble. That's all you can do." Or "Just take things one minute at a time." I say them to myself in my head. Whenever needed.
And the concert/singalong went great. We sang, people listened, they sang along, they clapped. We all felt good about what we had done, what we had accomplished on this mission into the territory of "who the heck knows how this will go!". And we celebrated.
***
My creative joys right now:
- comics! I rediscovered Lucy Knisley and have fallen in love with her style and stories. Her career and reflection of how she's gotten to where she is are interesting/inspiring too.
- writing! I had the chance to talk one-on-one with Esme Waijun Wang (I won a contest she did on Instagram, so that was rad) about how I want to write a novel. (YUP - yikes - what?! NBD.) She recommended a course she made called Where's the Electricity? to get started. I bought it and we'll see what happens. I'm curious to see what passions/obsessions emerge as mine.
- Photo books - I want to make one for each year of my life since 2007, which is when I stopped printing photos and putting them in albums or scrapbooks, and started collecting digital data (without really knowing that that's what I was doing). I'm sick of all those memories being stuck behind a screen. I want them on paper, something I can touch and look through with no electrical cord needed.
- (still) my 100 Day Project - I'm making colour palettes and posting them to my Instagram. See them all here. Example palette at top of post.
Where's life taking you lately? I'd love to hear.
learning new things
Normal life pic #1.
My job since January 2017 is a Job Developer/Trainer for adults with intellectual disabilities.
So often I feel like: "I don't know what I'm doing."
It's really really easy to let that thought crystallize into a roadblock, and then to stop doing whatever I'm doing. So much of what I'm doing since I have started this job in January is new to me, and I often feel like I'm making it up as I go.
Teach a course on pre-employment skills? Well, I have piles of binders and the directive to make a course out of it. But I've never done that before.
Go around to employers in our community and build relationships with them? Well, I have ideas and a decent ability to make conversation, as well as some experience working with people with disabilities to back me up. But again, I've never done that before.
Are these things I have enough to get started? My thought-turned-roadblock says NO. But the part of me that knows I gotta get shit done because this is my job now, says "Whether they are or they aren't, it doesn't matter. You gotta do it anyway."
Then I procrastinate.
Then I get panicky thinking of my deadline so I get my shit together. I tidy up my workspace and clear the clutter. I get down to work.
Then I get interrupted. It's breaktime or it's lunchtime, or the phone rings, or a co-worker pops in my door. Or I get a text. Or ... whatever. Then the cycle repeats.
I tend to think of myself as a confident person so it's always strange and disorienting to run into the no-confidence wall. Into the starting-again-at-a-new-thing wall.
But such is life, isn't it? I forget that fact, constantly. But such is life.
So I shut my door at work. I say "fuck it" and I start. I type a tentative lesson plan. I teach the first class. I show up to the job where I'm coaching someone. I give it a shot. I give it a shot.
Normal life pic #2.
In other news... life is good. I have realized I actually love my job. Even though it's new to me. Even though it's a turn off the path from what I was doing before. Even though it's not perfect and it's a little chaotic, and on some days, it's a lot draining.
And Adam and I have decided to try for a little one! This is mainly private news, but I feel like sharing here because, well, it's my blog, my life. I'm excited about the idea that any month now I could see those two pink lines on the stick, then get to experience the growing of my belly, the stirring of life.
My creative joys right now:
- opera - I'm enjoying soprano Anna Netrebko's Instagram, too.
- the idea of crocheting - I bought yarn and a crochet hook ... we'll see!
- my 100 Day Project - colour palettes posted to my Instagram.
- The Self Love Club - I'm strongly considering getting a tattoo like this one.
Self Love Club rules by Frances Cannon.
quiet morning #2
Yup, I let my cat sit on the table.
There are worse things.
Why is the old, shitty grill pan on the table? Lord knows. I asked Adam. He wants to get rid of it. But likely it will sit on the table for ... a month? ... before we do anything with it. #life
The monthly exercise for April in the One Little Word course is to write "What does it mean to really [your word here]?" on Post-its and stick them up around your house, your car, your planner, wherever you're going to see them.
And variations thereof: "What does it feel like to __________?" "What does it look like when I'm _________?"
And I gotta say, it's neat. This one pictured above is on the window above the sink, a place where I am quite often, doing dishes. I like that it simply asks the question and lets my brain fill in the rest. I like that I can think about it while I do a mindless task and let my brain come up with little bits of ideas, that I then go write down.
_
The 100 Day Project starts tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but also excited. Will I stick with it? I keep wondering. Well, I mean, I don't know. I can't know. But I can give it a try.
I'm doing 100 Colour Palettes. Here's what I've got so far. (It will give you an idea of the project.)
_
I'm currently grooving to -- and loving -- this song and video:
I put it on and dance around my kitchen. Even though I don't wear a hijab, nor am I Muslim, I believe in the right to do so, to be so. And it's damn danceable.
_
It's April third and today I was out shovelling yet another 5 centimetres of snow that had formed in drifts across the driveway. It doesn't feel a whit like spring here at the moment. Snow is still a foot deep across the land, and the wind is cold and whips it all around in spirals and clouds. It's pretty, absolutely. Am I ready for it to be gone? 100 percent. I dream of baby daffodil nubs poking up out of the dirt. Of the warmth of the spring sun and the steady tap-tap-tap of melting snow and ice.
Ahh well. It is what it is.
Off to work with me. Happy Monday, friends.
love lives here
Adam is working today, and I'm home by myself. I've alternated between playing music loud, complete silence, talking to my Dad on the phone, and listening to a podcast. And now back to silence.
In another hour or so, my Mom is due to arrive. A few days ago she turned 60. Today we're celebrating by going out for dinner, and then to a movie.
It seems so simple. Yet these are the memories we'll keep. When she's 70, or 80, we'll remember. We'll say, "Remember when we went to see Beauty and the Beast for your 60th?"
"Yes, back before you guys had _________ [fill in the blank here for whatever we end up naming the baby that I'm not even pregnant with yet]."
_
My friend Aleena is from Pakistan originally, and she has introduced me to the phrase "Inshallah."
"If God wills."
I asked her when someone was arriving on a plane recently and she texted back, "2:30. Inshallah." I think it's like "touch wood". "Hopefully. If all goes well. If nothing goes wrong."
We never know, what lies ahead. So we touch wood. So we say "Inshallah."
_
It's the weekend. I'm working on an idea for something to do for #The100DayProject. It has to do with colour palettes and photos of everyday life. (If you're interested in #The100DayProject there is more info here: The100DayProject. And here is my idea.) I'm a little nervous (will I keep it up? will it still be interesting to me then?) but also excited (maybe I'll keep it up! maybe it will be incredibly interesting even at the end!). Maybe it will morph and change. Probably it will morph and change. Just like the other, bigger project I'm planning to embark on, that of trying for a baby.
Inshallah.
Happy Saturday, friends.
sweet & spicy
Reading, over coffee this morning. Wanting to underline it all. Score it all, and by so doing, transfer it to my heart for safekeeping. For safe-remembering.
But it's a library book. So I'll tuck it away to order later, buy later. Not right this second, although that's what I want to do, but I'm trying to be fiscally responsible, so I will wait. (Wait for free shipping, more like.)
Last night's supper - salmon tails slathered in a sauce of horseradish, Dijon mustard, and honey. Baked in the oven. Pungent, tasty, spicy, sweet. Not for Adam (he doesn't like fish) but for me. (He had steak.)
This morning: saw Adam off at 6. Hugged him at the door. "Love you honey," I said, as normal. Then: "100 percent. Down to your toes." Not what I normally say, but I was inspired this morning. He rolls his eyes affectionately, "OK dear."
After I ate breakfast, I came in here, to my office. Inspired. In spiro. Lit my candle. Put on Lauryn Hill, the Unplugged album. Those strumming strings, those cracked-voice lyrics -- ahhhhhh. My soul. It sings along. I clap in my mind with the audience on the album.
Happy Thursday, friends.